Empty Nester

Today is part two of a three part series featuring the other members of my writing group.

Frank is the oldest member of our group. He has often had to sit around and hear the rest of us talking about our young children. He enriches our group through his wealth of life experiences and dry wit.

Frank is a certified financial planner in Roseland, NJ. His interests include Jewish studies, sports, and investing.

My wife and I are living at home alone for the first time in almost thirty years. OK, our little shitzu keeps us company, but I’m referring to real live human beings, namely children. The kids have come and gone over the past ten years, only to return home for an affordable and comfortable place to stay, but this time I think it’s the real thing. Last week, my 26 year –old daughter, Shula, moved to Israel to start a new life after going through a difficult divorce and moving back home for a year. My 24 year-old son, Manny, got married last month, and he moved into an apartment with his wife. And my 28 year-old musician son has been mostly out for the past ten years, but he came back for almost a year until he moved out again a few months ago. I guess you could now call us “empty nesters,” but the banality of the term leaves me cold. I’m searching for a better definition that, ah, really hits home.

The first thing that struck me this past Presidents’ Day weekend was how quiet the house was. The Ipod and Ipad music, the phone calls, the electric guitar, silent. The joking, the screaming, the long showers, the creaking of the steps according to each kid’s unique rhythm, silent. The wind howled outside and the cold pierced the thin 100 year-old walls of our five bedroom colonial house. The pipes wooshed as the hot water heater automatically refilled. My wife snored as she took an afternoon nap, the dog by her side, lonely and defeated. I wandered from room to room as the dim afternoon light faded. Pictures hung on the wall like sentinels frozen in time.

Meanwhile, my wife wakes up from her nap. “Wanna go to a movie?” she asks.

“OK”.

Looks like we’re going to spend more time together. I’m a little concerned.  After all, despite the fact that we haven’t exactly been babysitting for many years, even an adult child lends some diversion. I’m comfortable with moderate doses of intimacy. Of course I won’t tell my wife that the long weekend is weighing heavily on my mind. But we’ve already tossed back and forth a few “empty nester” jokes. So we agree to go see “Lincoln.” I notice that the theatre seems to be filled with fellow ENs. Hey, this might not be too bad. We are transported to the Civil War era for a couple of hours and agree that Spielberg hasn’t lost his touch.

We drive home without talking much. My wife wants to stop at some type of home furnishing store in the mall, but when she sees me squirm, she relents. I guess her hopes of a husband released from the shackles of active parenthood and willing to go shopping have been dashed. Some things never change.

We enter the house, half expecting to find somebody home, but only the dog is waiting. I run upstairs to catch some sports. Oh, I forgot, the NBA All-Star Game! My younger son and I have been watching together ever since he was six. The pre-game show features former stars like Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal discussing the greatest dunkers of all time. A clip comes on with Chris Webber interviewing Bill Russell, one of the greats from my childhood. My wife enters the room.

“You have a game?” she asks.

“Yeah, the All-Star Game.”

“Oh, maybe Manny will come to watch with you.”

My phone bings. A text message.

“What’s that sound?” my wife asks.

A text.

“Who is it?”

“Awesome interview on TNT”, the text says. “C-webb interviewing Russell. Russell is really an interesting person. Awesome interview.”

“Who else”? I reply.

Something tells me that this will turn out OK.

 

Dumb Children

My children are dumb. You heard me. I am tired of mincing words, softening the blow. Dumb! That’s what they are.
Caring, diligent, patient, faithful. These are the types of traits I want for my children. Give me a little while and I can come up with many more. I bet you can do the same for your children.
However, my children are dumb. And I am guessing your children are dumb too. Don’t huff away or curse me. Hear me out.
Let me provide you with a sample conversation that proves my point.
“BR, come here.”
“What?”
“Shh, quietly. I got to tell you something.”
“What is it?”
“I said quietly.”
“What?”
“Come here.”
“There’s only one chocolate left. Eat it now before SJ comes down.”
“Ok. Thanks.”
A minute later the chocolate is gone. BR goes upstairs and finds SJ happily watching cartoons in my room (SJ spends time in there than my and I but that’s another story).
“SJ. I just had the last chocolate. Daddy gave it to me.” (Best if read in a mocking voice).
“What? That’s not fair! Daddy!”
I come up the stairs. “What is it? What’s up SJ?”
“Why did you give BR a chocolate and not me? That’s not fair.”
If looks could wound, BR would be on the ground in some pain. “Why did you tell him that after I told you not to?”
“I don’t know.” He is not contrite in the least.
“SJ – I gave you one yesterday. Don’t you remember?” This does not soothe him. Now BR is upset because he did not get one the day before. He conveniently forgets the other treat he got.
Don’t think this is a one kid show.
“Yes, SJ you can stay up a little late to watch the end of your show. Just don’t go downstairs and mention it to BR.”
A couple of minutes pass and SJ is making one of his thunderous trips to the bathroom. BR hears the trip and comes running up the steps.
“Why is he still awake?”
“Daddy said I can stay up late and watch the end of Doc McStuffins.” (Best if read in a mocking voice).
The argument ensues.
One more example.
“Okay guys. We can start homework later. Let’s not advertise.”
SJ is unclear of my instructions. “What’s advertise mean?”
“Don’t tell mommy. It’s just between us. Both of you put a hand on top of mine. Remember, we’re a team. We’re a team. We’re aaaaaahhhh team.” Our hands going flying in the hair. “Now, remember don’t tell momny.”
My wife arrives home. Fifteen maybe 20 seconds pass before both children are spilling the beans. “Daddy said we could start homework late. Yeah, we just started a little while ago.”
I get a look from my wife. Uggh.

See, I told you my children are dumb. Sure, they read early, they are articulate, and they are inquisitive. However, they are dumb.
Can you imagine them being spies? Protecting state secrets, gathering information from a potential enemy? Remember the movie, Spies Like Us? They would make Ackroyd and Chase look like the best of the best.
See, I told you my children are dumb. Sure, they read early, they are articulate, and they are inquisitive. However, they are dumb.

Can you imagine them being spies? Protecting state secrets, gathering information from a potential enemy? Remember Spies like us? They would make Ackroyd and Chase look like the best of the best.

I think I know what the problem is. Why the heck do I keep telling them secrets expecting them to keep it? I know why. The apple doesn’t fall from the tree. I’m dumb too.

Grown Up Questions

I was laughing. A lot. I was lounging on the sofa after I had finished working out. The time was approaching 8:26. Why, you may be wondering, does that matter? Well, 8:26 is the witching hour for my older son, BR. BR’s bedtime is my responsibility. In our division of labor, my wife serves as the beddy bye conduit for SJ, and I handle BR.
After flipping through the channels, I settled on the movie Grown Ups with Adam Sandler. Yes, an Adam Sandler movie. I was in the mood for some dumb laughs. Besides, I only planned on watching it till 8:26. Well, in the right mood, Adam Sandler can be pretty darn funny.

Basic CMYK

BR, who was playing some computer game heard my guffawing. Curious as to what was so funny, he came down and asked. BR curled up next to me, and we started talking. Now, say what you like about Adam Sandler, but his movies are generally not appropriate for 8-year-olds. Well, so between the movie and the clock hitting 8:26, I had my cue to get up. But I didn’t. I was comfortable, enjoying hanging out with my son, and so I made the call to watch together for a few minutes. How bad could it get?
Then, a boy of about six walks up to his mother played by Maria Bello. He tells her that he’s hungry and the next thing you know, he is breastfeeding. I snickered a bit and went silent though the thoughts in my head were racing. Please don’t let him ask about this. I don’t want to talk about this now. Why didn’t I take him up at 8:26?
“Why did you laugh?”
“Um, I don’t know. It was funny.”
“What was funny?”
“Well, the fact that kid is getting to milk from his mother.”
“I don’t get it.”
“He is six or something like that and still getting milk from his mother.”
BR looked confused. I went on.
“It’s perfectly natural for a baby to get milk from his/her mother.”
“How does a baby get milk from his/her mother?”
I opened the can of worms. I might as well keep going. “Well G-d makes a miracle and a woman is able to give her baby milk from her breast?”
“How’s G-d do that?”
“I don’t know. It’s a miracle. Pretty cool right.”
“Yeah.” He looked confused.
I didn’t know how to continue. My wife walked in. Save me. “You know you got milk from mommy. How long did you breast feed BR?” Oh, the look I got.
“Six months.”
“I don’t remember.”
“Of course you don’t. You are not supposed to. If you are old enough to ask or remember, it is too long.”
“How long do most babies do it for?”
“Well, it depends. Some go to 6 months like you did, some a year, a year and a half. Maybe even two years.”
“Oh. Babies come from where mommie’s would have penises right?”
“Right. But you know mommies don’t have penises right? We talked about this before.”
“I know. What’s it called again?”
“What?”
“What do they have instead of penises again?”
“Do we really have to talk about this?”
“Just tell me please. “
“Fine. They are called vaginas.”
“What?”
“Vaginas. They are called vaginas.”
“Why are they called that?
“I don’t know. They just are.”
“Oh.”
BR paused, as he was probably thinking or processing. It was an opening. I put him on my shoulders and up to bed we went. No more questions tonight.

Ferris Bueller No More

Drunken parties, packed bars, wet and wild (you fill in the blank). Yep, my weekend had it all. However, it did not include anything noted above. In fact, it was plain and ordinary.

I was 19 (or somewhere in that age range) and on the Philadelphia side of the Delaware River. Cloudless sky, brilliant sun, light breeze, low 80’s –a beautiful Spring day. Some friends of mine and I were lounging on the river bank watching the water flow on. It was as if we were ready to film a beer commercial.
And yet…
“Yo man, I’m bored.”
“What do you want to do,” S asked. He was one of my closest friends during the high school and college years.
“I don’t know. Something.”
“Dude, it’s a beautiful day, and we’re all hanging out. What do you want?”
I looked around at the array of friends and acquaintances lounging around and sighed. “This is boring. I want an adventure.”
“An adventure? Who do you think you are Ferris Bueller?”
“I love that movie. Don’t mess with Ferris!”
“I know you do. How many times have you seen that movie?”
“A lot.” Sticking my hand out in greeting, “Abe Froman, sausage king, Chicago.”
“I know you know the movie by heart.”
“I weep for the future.”
“Okay, Abe I got it.”
“Anyway, what would be so wrong with a Ferris Bueller like adventure?”
“We’re not in the movies.”
I don’t remember how that afternoon ended. It was probably via some chemically induced haze.
So, I had it all and was bored. I wanted more.

Here’s a sampling of the events I experienced this past weekend:
Playdates for both of the boys,
Meaningful conversation with my wife,
Praying at the synagogue on Sabbath,
Tasty meals,
Food Shopping,
Playoff Football,
Vacuuming,
Writers group meeting,
Playing golf on the Wii.

There’s more, and it’s equally mundane. I’ll spare you the details. I’ll bet you had some of these and more on your plate this weekend as well. So you can fill in your own details.

You could say I did not have much going on this weekend. Yet, when Sunday night rolled around, I turned to my wife and said, “I wish it was a three day weekend.”

So, while I still know most of the lines and would be happy to watch Ferris Bueller’s Day off, I don’t need the same adventure. However, there are days. Nah, let me stop there. The plain and ordinary suited me quite nicely, thank you.