Gross Out: Don’t Read During Dinner

At the end of this post, you will be either grossed out or laughing. Or both. If you have a sense of humor similar to mine, you will probably feel both. Proceed if you wish but consider yourself forewarned.

Last week my blogging friend over at http://motherhoodisanart.com/ wrote a post entitled Getting My Report Card as a Parent. Melissa mentioned that as parents we get reviews or report cards. However, she said, the closest thing to a review is when we bring our kids for their doctor checkups and dentist appointment. Melissa is clearly worried about how the doctor will see her children and is certain the dentist would give her a C if he/she could. She does not have her kids floss.

Are you kidding? I exchanged some emails with Melissa. If flossing is the criteria, I would get an F. My kids brush their teeth twice a day – as long as they are reminded bugged threatened. It’s not that they are dirty children. It’s just that they are boys. They are not especially worried about dirt. To their further detriment, they are my boys.

I have told you numerous times that I lack patience. Any patience I do have is often taken up at work. By the time I get home, I am certainly patience challenged. Well, the apple doesn’t fall from the tree.

My children don’t have time to thoroughly brush their teeth. They have other things they want to do – watch television, play on the computer, build Lego, vroom Thomas trucks, etc. See, these other things are clearly more important. Ten seconds a brushing – that ought to do it is their attitude. I tried to make up a catchy tune to get them to be more thorough – up and down, all around and all over the place. Okay it may not be especially catchy – I am neither Lennon nor McCartney – but my mediocre at best voice makes these words sound not terrible. However, the desired affect is not there.

I think I know what you are thinking. While uncouth, this is far from disgusting. Your own boys may be in the same dirty boat. Well, I am not finished.

If you walk into any of our 2 ½ bathrooms, you will find wipes. Yes, both boys were on the later end of potty training. However, both are, thankfully, well past that stage. They are patient enough to sit and take care of their business. However, that is about where their patience ends. Wiping. Whose got time for wiping? This bathroom hastiness clearly goes beyond tooth brushing. One wipe, maybe two is about all they have time for.

Picture courtesy of http://www.google.com/

Picture courtesy of http://www.google.com/

This hasty retreat from the bathroom can lead to malodorous results. And, no I am not talking about farting.

So, Melissa, if the doctor was giving me a grade for my parenting I’m certain it wouldn’t be good. Dirty butts – I’m not even on the parenting chart.

Not So Independent

Wag your finger and read the following: “If every kid jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?”

Everyone heard this from their mother or father and maybe now you say it to your kids. Not so original but the idea behind is meaningful. Don’t be a sheep. Don’t do something simply because everyone else is.

In other words, be independent. Isn’t that one of the big ones? You know if there was a top 10 traits you hope to instill in your child – wouldn’t independence be on there? I am not saying that it is number one. We all have to make our list, but I am sure that independence would make many a parent’s list for traits they want to instill in their child.  I know for sure it would make mine.

However, sometimes too much independence can be a bad thing. A very bad thing.

I’ve mentioned before it has been a rough school year for BR. I don’t want to go into details but suffice to say, the stress level is growing for my wife and I.

This evening BR and I were talking. It had been a particularly rough school day. One of his teachers was absent. His other teacher was present, unfortunately (yes, I said it. What can I tell you? I am really fed up.). Anyway, he acted inappropriately. Those of you who have children with issues similar to BR or any issues for that matter can imagine what these actions might be. Specifics don’t matter.

“What happened today?”

“I was silly.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know.”

“Did you want the kids to laugh?”

“Yes.”

“Did they?”

“Yep.”

“Do you think they were laughing at you or with you?” I don’t know if he understood the difference.

“At me.”

“BR, the kids might laugh. They think it’s funny. But it’s inappropriate. However, they are going to think something is wrong.”

No reply.

“Bezalel they are going to think you are weird.”

“I don’t care.”

“You don’t care that the other kids are going to think you are weird?”

“No, what difference does it make?”

“Well, I care. I don’t want kids to think you are weird.”

And there you have it. He is in a place where he claims he does not care. Again, I don’t want him or SJ to do things simply because others are. However, this is different. He is in a classroom and that is a place where you have to submerge your independence and do what everyone is doing. Now, it is not so simple for BR. If only.

So, I am in a bit of a bind. I don’t want to emphasize that his behavior is weird and other kids may laugh at him. There are many components that go into him behaving as he is. One of them is his streak of independence. I wish for now, that he could be a little less independent.

Number 40

Today is the third and final part a series featuring the other members of my writing group. Rachelle, our frequent host who makes great popcorn, is up today.  She writes poetry and prose that typically focuses on her family.

Rachelle is a Marketing Communications Manager at a publishing company. She describes herself as a 40 year old suburban mom who enjoys reading, decoupage and rollercoasters.

I never expected to be someone that is shy about their age.  But now that I am firmly entrenched in the throes of middle age, I have grudgingly become that someone.

It wasn’t always this way.  When I was a kid, birthdays were exciting occasions with parties, presents, cake, and 25 of my closest friends.  As I got older, I proudly celebrated all the birthday milestones that really mattered- my Bat Mitzvah, being old enough to drive, to vote, and to drink. But somewhere around that quarter century mark, birthdays just started getting tiresome.  By age 30, they were starting to hurt.

Turning 40 sent me into a tailspin, and I had a minor mid-life crisis.  I couldn’t afford to buy a sports car or take an expensive vacation.  I was far too chubby and lazy to have a steamy affair.  So, I decided, that was it.  I put my foot down.  The buck stops here.  From now on, I’m turning 40.  I may be old and grey and drooling in the old age home, but I will still be 40.

Funny how age works. While I readily admit to being age-averse, I would never want to go back in time and relive my more energetic youth.  Although I wouldn’t mind correcting some errors in judgment, the thought of re-experiencing high school, acne, and dating makes me cringe.

We have five kids in my modern-day blended family, ages 21, 19, 18, 17 and 8.  One can legally drink and gamble.  Two are in college.  Three can vote.  Four can drive.  And one is still my beautiful cherubic faced, curly haired baby.  She will always be my baby, even when she has babies of her own.

A few months ago, we made a birthday party for my “baby,” at Chuck E. Cheese.   It was crowded and the noise was absolutely deafening.  But it was wonderful to see her giddy with sheer delight as she stood proudly in her blue soccer uniform while we sang happy birthday, and she blew out the candles on a Costco buttercream cake.  It was her birthday, she turned eight, and she was thrilled.  So thrilled that she can’t wait for her next birthday when she will be nine.

I have heard time and time again that age is just a number.  Well, my baby’s number and the other children can continue to rise, but me – my number is 40.

 

 

Empty Nester

Today is part two of a three part series featuring the other members of my writing group.

Frank is the oldest member of our group. He has often had to sit around and hear the rest of us talking about our young children. He enriches our group through his wealth of life experiences and dry wit.

Frank is a certified financial planner in Roseland, NJ. His interests include Jewish studies, sports, and investing.

My wife and I are living at home alone for the first time in almost thirty years. OK, our little shitzu keeps us company, but I’m referring to real live human beings, namely children. The kids have come and gone over the past ten years, only to return home for an affordable and comfortable place to stay, but this time I think it’s the real thing. Last week, my 26 year –old daughter, Shula, moved to Israel to start a new life after going through a difficult divorce and moving back home for a year. My 24 year-old son, Manny, got married last month, and he moved into an apartment with his wife. And my 28 year-old musician son has been mostly out for the past ten years, but he came back for almost a year until he moved out again a few months ago. I guess you could now call us “empty nesters,” but the banality of the term leaves me cold. I’m searching for a better definition that, ah, really hits home.

The first thing that struck me this past Presidents’ Day weekend was how quiet the house was. The Ipod and Ipad music, the phone calls, the electric guitar, silent. The joking, the screaming, the long showers, the creaking of the steps according to each kid’s unique rhythm, silent. The wind howled outside and the cold pierced the thin 100 year-old walls of our five bedroom colonial house. The pipes wooshed as the hot water heater automatically refilled. My wife snored as she took an afternoon nap, the dog by her side, lonely and defeated. I wandered from room to room as the dim afternoon light faded. Pictures hung on the wall like sentinels frozen in time.

Meanwhile, my wife wakes up from her nap. “Wanna go to a movie?” she asks.

“OK”.

Looks like we’re going to spend more time together. I’m a little concerned.  After all, despite the fact that we haven’t exactly been babysitting for many years, even an adult child lends some diversion. I’m comfortable with moderate doses of intimacy. Of course I won’t tell my wife that the long weekend is weighing heavily on my mind. But we’ve already tossed back and forth a few “empty nester” jokes. So we agree to go see “Lincoln.” I notice that the theatre seems to be filled with fellow ENs. Hey, this might not be too bad. We are transported to the Civil War era for a couple of hours and agree that Spielberg hasn’t lost his touch.

We drive home without talking much. My wife wants to stop at some type of home furnishing store in the mall, but when she sees me squirm, she relents. I guess her hopes of a husband released from the shackles of active parenthood and willing to go shopping have been dashed. Some things never change.

We enter the house, half expecting to find somebody home, but only the dog is waiting. I run upstairs to catch some sports. Oh, I forgot, the NBA All-Star Game! My younger son and I have been watching together ever since he was six. The pre-game show features former stars like Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal discussing the greatest dunkers of all time. A clip comes on with Chris Webber interviewing Bill Russell, one of the greats from my childhood. My wife enters the room.

“You have a game?” she asks.

“Yeah, the All-Star Game.”

“Oh, maybe Manny will come to watch with you.”

My phone bings. A text message.

“What’s that sound?” my wife asks.

A text.

“Who is it?”

“Awesome interview on TNT”, the text says. “C-webb interviewing Russell. Russell is really an interesting person. Awesome interview.”

“Who else”? I reply.

Something tells me that this will turn out OK.