Suffocating My Wife

My wife and I had our first date in early November. We went out a few times and then broke up. A month later we got back together, and by August, we were engaged. We were married in January or 14 months after we first met. Some might say that’s fast others wondered what took so long. Regardless of where you stand, there are some things we did not know about each other till we got married.

SURPRISES

I am not a cook. I am a defroster, boiler, microwaver. In other words, I can get something on the table, but the closest I get to homemade is spelling it. My wife on the other hand is a very good cook. She cooked for me before we were married. However, it was different then. It was on an occasional basis, the crush of everyday life was not upon us, and she was still trying to impress me. Now, two kids are whining, the guests will be here in an hour, and she’s working on little sleep – well, she can still whip up a delicious meal. Yes, my wife can cook.
Chalk cooking up as a pleasant surprise.
Unfortunately, I have discovered some unpleasant things as well.
My wife snores. Now, some nights she just breathes loudly and other nights it’s as if she is campaigning to join the Three Stooges. You would think I would be used to it as we are married over 11 years now.  I’m not. Unless, I am totally exhausted, I need quiet when I go to sleep. So, what’s a tired guy to do?
Courtesy of GoogleThe poor guy - I empathize!

Courtesy of Google
The poor guy – I empathize!

Now, you would think I would just go to sleep before her. However, it rarely works out that way, and I as I told you I tend to be more alert at bed time than my wife (http://larrydbernstein.com/the-great-communicator/). So, that’s out. What can I do?

THE FIRST STEPS

I could just grin and bear it. Nah – I got to be me.
First, I try shushing my wife. The snores get louder and I call out “shhhhh.” Believe it or not this works sometimes. Well, a snore or two is quieter.
Step two is pulling the blanket over my head. I don’t mind doing this in the winter. However, it doesn’t really help as the snores penetrate my blanket shield.
Third, I put a pillow over my ears. Nope same issue as the blanket.
Next, I get a bit pushy. I give my wife a gentle shove. I figure maybe if she readjusts then the snores may stop. Rarely works.
At this point, I am getting frustrated. The night time is slipping away. And I imagine myself having a sleepless night.  Then, I have to go to work exhausted and have a rotten day. Then my imagination really takes off: I get fired, develop a disease, and start World War III. OMG – I have to sleep. The snoring must stop.
I pull out the big guns.

NOT SUFFOCATING

I put a pillow over my wife’s face – gently. Or I pull a blanket all the way up so that it covers her face – leaving room for air of course. I don’t want to suffocate her. She doesn’t see it this way. Recently, I woke her up when attempting to quiet the snoring.
“What are you doing?”
“What?”
“What are you trying to suffocate me?”
“No, it’s just you were snoring and I couldn’t sleep and…”
“I have a cold. Do you mind?”
“Well, actually…” I am ready to explain that she sometimes snores even without a cold. But I recognize it is not the time to argue. “Sorry.”
She doesn’t answer. And in a couple of minutes the snoring continues, but its quieter now.
Maybe, the fear of being suffocated has somehow caused my wife to turn down her snoring. I would never do it you know – suffocate her that is. But I am thankful the threat of it has quieted her. After all, I need my sleep. Who wants World War III?

49 thoughts on “Suffocating My Wife

      • HA! This post was hysterical, Larry.

        I’m sorry, Mrs. Larry. It just was. Please post again soon so we can hear your side of the story. 🙂

        • You are right – this was definitely not my wife’s favorite post. I am going to show her your comment. If she wants to respond, that would be just fine.

  1. *grin*
    Larry, I was giggling when I read this blog post. You’re really a gentleman not telling your wife she’s snoring with or without colds. LOL
    I keep asking my boyfriend whether or not I snore and he keeps saying no. Do you think he’s only a gentleman too who tries to keep a war off his back? *chuckle*

    • I am glad it made you smile.
      My wife read this post though – wasn’t her favorite one. Go figure.
      Yes, I do think he ie being a gentleman – a wise one.

  2. Ha!! So funny, and yet I’m wondering if my husband has ever tried to suffocate me………. He and I both snore, but thankfully are both heavy sleepers and fall asleep with the TV on, so it rarely bothers us. Or so I think….

  3. LOL!! My Hun also snores and I too thought about suffocating him. But it has been so much better since he’s been tested for sleep apnea and now has a cpap machine. He had 13 of the 14 symptoms (the last was menopause….ha!). Maybe your wife should be tested?

    • Glad you lliked it. I don’t think she has sleep apnea because she does not do it all the time. Suggesting might not be good for my health and other night time activities.
      Btw, you husband is not going through menopause – must have been shocking test results.

  4. Before we finally settled on the fan as a solution, I would skip all of your preliminary tactics and just go for the pushing, shoving, elbowing, and kneeing of my peacefully sleeping (how freaking dare he sleep if I can’t?!) husband. 🙂 And I would feel awful – not only is he not even actually snoring, but he also can’t help the fact that his breathing his audible to my apparently super ears. But yes, sleep is absolutely necessary. Sometimes a good knee to the back (or pillow to the face) is all it takes.

    • Aren’t you a violent one! So, I think I would rather feel awful after a good night of sleep. So, put that knee into the back and rest easily.

  5. I sleep with a pillow over my face! Not because I snore (which I don’t) but it was something I started to do after I had Ben to quiet down the noise and light so I could actually sleep and now I always sleep that way. If I’m ever staying with a friend I always warn them before hand because once I didn’t and my friend Annie thought I was suffocating in my sleep, but actually I just sleep that way. =)

    Maybe she can learn to like it too =)

    • Funny. I would wonder to if I saw someone sleeping like that. I often sleep with the blanket over my head. My wife brings this up often. I should teach her to do the same thing. Do you mind bringing this up with her?

  6. Hmm… I had not considered the subtle threat of violence, I think I have tried most of the other approaches though. LOL. Good one, Larry, thanks for the laugh.

  7. Hahahahha! That’s greatness!! I’m a snorer. Is that a word? If I get in the wrong position I will wake the neighbors! It’s awful and I feel sorry for those that sleep near me! So, I sympathize with your wife, but your angst made me laugh! I feel badly for you; however, I am glad you decided that suffocating her wasn’t the answer! It’s hysterical that she caught you! That part cracked me up!!

    • I apppreicate your enthusiasm. I pity your neighbors. Yes, she was not happy about my creative efforts (didn’t love this post either).

  8. This is pretty funny. Most days, I fall asleep in, like, 30 seconds, so I don’t hear my husband snore. But on the occasions when I have a cold and I can’t fall asleep that quickly-the snoring teases me saying, “I’m asleeeeeepppppp, you are nottttttt, I’m asleeeeeeppppp, you are notttttt.” 🙂

  9. Oh my goodness! That is too funny! I can’t believe you put a pillow over her face!! Although I can attest to the fact that it can’t suffocate her as I always sleep with a pillow over my face. It’s the only way I can sleep. My husband says I snore too but I don’t believe him. He also says I talk almost non-stop while I’m sleeping. I can actually believe this because sometimes I talk so loud that it wakes me up. It’s no wonder I need to drink coffee all day…I obviously don’t get really good sleep with all of that jabbering!

    • Glad you liked the post. Tell me why would your husband lie about the snoring? He wouldn’t! Funny about the talking. Maybe – just a suggestion – a little less coffee would do you good.

  10. ha!ha! I read your post this morning when I woke up at 5:30 from my phone next to my son and I couldn’t stop laughing, I went to get my husband after his shower and read it to him 🙂 Hilarious! OK, I am like you and my husband is like your wife. He snores and it really bothers me at night, I barely get any sleep (it really bothers me). I have woken him up many times at night because he snores too loud, he says “sorry”, goes back to sleep and snoring. I should try putting a pillow over his face tonight ha!ha! just kidding 🙂 btw, hubby says I don’t snore but how would he know right? when he’s the one sleeping! 🙂

    • First, I am sorry that you have to get up that early.
      Secondly, I am so happy about the reaction. As I have told you before, I love to make people laugh. Also, try and the pillow – or just the threat. It might just work.
      Yeah, how would he know if you snore?

  11. Well Robyn can empathize with you, I snore so loud I wake my self up at times, but thats because i have apnea. You put a pillow on S’s face, you do scare me sometimes!!

    • Wah ha ha (evil laugh)! What are friends for?
      Poor Robyn. Make sure she reads this post. I am sure you will sleep well after tha.

  12. Larry, my husband used to snore in imitation of a train engine. I was told I could get a divorce on the grounds that he unconsciously did it to deprive me of my sleep, in revenge for something I did that bothered him. But I love my husband, so I threatened to pack him off to the guest room unless he saw a doctor and solved the problem. We’ve had snore-free nights ever since. Your article is hilarious, extremely well-written, and leaving me with a craving for more.
    Thank you for an intelligent bit of laughter!

    • Thanks for your response – much appreciated.
      I am jealous of your snore-free nights. Maybe, I will subtly mention to my wife she should speak to her doctor about it. That is not a conversation I am looking forward to.

  13. My husband also turns into a polar bear at night. If he wakes me up with his racket, I give the bed a little bounce. That rouses him enough to shift positions and snore more quietly.

    Funny post, Larry.

  14. You’ll have to get a white noise machine. I couldn’t sleep without mine. As for the cooking, I think I’d die of shock if my husband ever spontaneously made us a meal. 😉

    • I’m talking pasta, hot dogs – that sort of thing. It ain’t worth fainting!
      White noise machine – hmmm – interesting.

  15. Snoring is the bane of every bed partner who doesn’t snore. I used to leave bruises on my ex-husband I’d hit him so hard while he was snoring. It didn’t help.

    Has your lovely wife tried the nose strips? They open up the nasal passages during sleep. I’m sure if we have them up here you folks have them down there.

    • So true. I have not mentioned to her about the nose strips. I am not sure if she has tried it in the past. I don’t know if she really wants any suggestions but I may broach the topic anyway.
      P.S. I was hoping you would do a guest post. Are you up to it?

  16. I am sorry, Mrs. Larry, but this post WAS funny. Very, funny, actually.

    To the topic: Maybe a doctor or a naturopath can do something to help quiet the snores?
    I can’t imagine having to deal with this every night… thank G-d neither of us snore.

    Here’s an interesting question: Do you have to reveal whether or not you snore on a date? And what if you don’t know, because you’ve never had to sleep beside yourself?

    • You are 100% correct in that this was not my wife’s favorite post – to put it mildly.
      Regarding your question – I am sure the shaila has been posed before and there is some halacha that can be extracted from Gemorrah regarding this.

      • 😀 I am sure that in ten years, you will both be laughing about it.

        We don’t extract halacha from Gemara on our own anymore, since no one today knows how to properly do so. Instead, we learn halacha l’maase and Gemara in tandem, so that we know the halacha and the background it was given on. I would just ask a rav – but the question was meant as a joke. 🙂

  17. Hi,
    I was a snorer. I didn’t realize it and when my husband started complaining I thought he was just out of it. What convinced me that I snore, I noticed that I was tired all of the time. So I went to the doctor who discovered that my blood pressure was unusually high and ordered more testing. Making a long story short, after many tests he sent me to a sleep laboratory and against my own wishes I decided to go. I could not understand what snoring had to do with my being tired or my blood pressure being extremely high.

    Oh how happy I am that I did go to the clinic. I found out that I had Sleep Apnea which means that I stop breathing for long periods during the nights. My sleep apnea was the cause of my snoring and my high blood pressure. Today, I sleep with a machine and I don’t snore anymore. I also have normal blood pressure and my tiredness has disappeared.

    So if your wife needs to have a check up at the doctor.

    Shalom,
    Patricia

    • It is probably not as bad as I said. I tend to exaggerate and am sensitive sleeper. Those times when it is louder are when she is a bit congested. However, I will ask her about the blood pressure.

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