Tag Archives: Work

Separate & Equal

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Arguing over $$$!Courtesy of google.com

Arguing over $$$!
Courtesy of google.com

“You do what?” K.L., my friend,  was incredulous.

We had known each other a few years and I had not recalled ever seeing him look so surprised. I wondered why he was making such a big deal out of something my wife and I saw as practical and helpful.

I repeated, “I said we keep separate bank accounts and share the bills.”

“What are you roommates?”

I laughed.

—

Certainly there are many stresses on a marriage. A survey of counseling professionals conducted by Your Tango.com. found that “74 percent of experts polled agree that the number one predictor of divorce is differing values around kids, money and/or sex.” (http://magazine.foxnews.com/love/expert-survey-reveals-number-one-reason-couples-divorce#ixzz2WlNQhWCh).

However, it can be argued that money causes the most stress on a marriage. In fact according to a study by Jeffrey Drew at Utah State University, “Of all these common things couples fight about, money disputes were the best harbingers of divorce. For wives, disagreements over finances and sex were good predictors of divorce, but finance disputes were much stronger predictors. For husbands, financial disagreements were the only type of common disagreement that predicted whether they would get a divorce.”  http://economix.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/12/07/money-fights-predict-divorce-rates/

I can also speak based on empirical evidence. My parents had different perspectives when it came to money. Unfortunately, when they had financial challenges on top of their different perspectives, fuel was added to the fire and caused stress.

—

Between the studies and my empirical evidence, I take the money issue seriously.

My wife and I make around the same amount of money. By the way, I would like it noted that I would be quite fine if she made much more. My manhood would not be offended or threatened if she becomes a mommy warbucks.

Now, that that information is out there, let me get to the bigger issue at hand. My wife and I have different spending habits. She makes no attempt to keep up her checkbook. If you asked her how much she had in her checking account, she may be in the ballpark. She enjoys shopping. And as I have joked before due to her online habits, my children’s first three letters learned were UPS.  I always get the receipt when going to the ATM to check my balance, make and follow a strict budget, and shop only when necessary.

Clearly, we are opposites and there is every reason to believe that money could be a real issue in our marriage.

—

I responded to K.L. “It just works for us. We have different philosophies on money and we make around the same amount.”

“But you are a couple. Isn’t everything both of yours?”

“Of course. But having some independence is a good thing. Besides, I know that S (my wife) likes to shop. I don’t always agree or think it’s necessary (see the bench https://larrydbernstein.com/to-the-bench/). But I also know that she is a wiz at online and rarely pays full price for anything. Anyway, this saves us from arguing over her every purchase. I just bring the UPS packages in the house.”

“And the bills?”

“We split them.”

“What do you divvy everything up at the end of the month?”

“Pretty much. Look, it’s not as if we split it down to the penny or count everything. The point is we have a system, and it works for us.”

“I guess so.”

And that is the point, it works for us.

What about you? How do you handle money issues in your marriage?

Goodbye Colleagues

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Courtesy of Google.

Courtesy of Google.

A lame joke: What are the two best things about being a teacher?

July and August.

I don’t know who made that joke, but I would bet he or she was a burnt out teacher.

Don’t get me wrong. Every teacher I know circles the final day of the school year on their calendar either mentally or physically.

I certainly am guilty of this though I can just see my mom wagging her finger in front of me saying stop rushing the time away.

Despite this warning, I was counting up the school days in September anxious to get to 180. I said it was in solidarity with my nephew who was anxious to complete his senior year (he graduated the other day – congratulations DS), but it was not 100% true. I wanted summer and freedom. Well, I lost count around day 30.  I restarted when there were 30 days left.

Yesterday was the last day of regular instruction for my students.

And I felt a tinge of sadness and nostalgia when I said goodbye to my seniors (not so much with the sophomores). I always feel this to an extent but yesterday was more so. I took a picture with them, made a farewell speech, and they clapped.

Maybe, the nostalgia was due to having the entire class (save for two changes) since September where normally we switch up at the end of January. We bonded. Maybe, it was the trip a bunch of us took a few weeks ago to see the Jackie Robinson biopic (https://larrydbernstein.com/a-real-hero/).

Yes, it’s natural to bond with the students and that is a quality of a good teacher. However, I don’t want to feel too connected. Don’t scratch your heads. Let me explain.

You all have colleagues whom you see on a regular basis. Well sometimes those colleagues enter a different realm.  He/she becomes someone you have lunch with or you talk about last night’s game or laugh about a movie you both saw. This someone is no longer merely a colleague but is a friend.

My students are my colleagues.  I see them every day. We talk, laugh, and learn (I hope).  Yet, I cannot be friends with them – that is inappropriate and a bit odd. I certainly care about them and wish them well.

During my first year of teaching, I was consumed with the profession. I would talk about my challenges and the students all the time. Every conversation came around to teaching. It was consuming. I realized then, with the help of some more veteran colleagues and friends who were in the profession, that if I wanted to stay in the job, I would have to allow myself some distance.

It was sage advice. Each year I have gotten better at separating life and work. This separation makes me a better teacher, father, and husband. I still think about the students and lessons but now, I am not consumed by the thought of work.

It’s not always easy. I remember my 5th year of teaching. The first class I worked with as freshmen (and taught many of them in their later years) were no longer in the building. I was walking the halls and looking for Nicole, Wesley, Diana, etc. even though they had graduated the past June. It was a tough transition.

So, I miss my students. I wish them well as they move on. Next year, I will have a whole new set of colleagues. Bring them on. First, I will enjoy July and August.

Courtesy of Google

Courtesy of Google

The Third Row

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It was one o’clock in the afternoon during the middle of the week. I was not giving writing instruction, engaging in literary discussion, overseeing group work, or even watching the clock anxious for an unruly class to be dismissed.

Instead, I sat in the third row and watched a performance. While, it was not quite Broadway, I was mesmerized throughout the entire twenty minute production. I did not check my cell phone, consider grading papers, or mentally review a piece I am writing.

It was SJ’s kindergarten graduation. The children sang and danced and said the lines that their teacher had been drilling into their minds through many practices.  During the performance, I wore my proud sentimental dad hat. The teacher and freelance writer hats were off.

SJ performing at his kindergarten graduation.

SJ performing at his kindergarten graduation.

—

A big part of being a good employee is to be responsible, productive, and efficient.  In this day and age where it still feels like job security is tenuous, it is natural to feel pressure to constantly be on.  Therefore, some may be thinking, while a kindergarten graduation is sweet, is it worth taking a day off from work for this?  My internal debate over this question lasted seconds. I had the time, and this is exactly what I wanted to use it for.

These days there is much talk about balancing work and family. It used to be that women were the ones who were primarily responsible for child care and or struggled in this balance. However, recently a Pew Research Center survey (http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2013/03/14/modern-parenthood-roles-of-moms-and-dads-converge-as-they-balance-work-and-family/) found that “50% of working dads say they find it very or somewhat difficult to balance these responsibilities.”  According to the survey, “46% of fathers say they are not spending enough time with their children.” Yet, they also want to work full time at a high-paying job. By the way, this conflict is occurring for men in all types of jobs including professional athletes (http://www.philly.com/philly/sports/eagles/20130605_Sconce_shopping_puts_Eagles__Cary_Williams_in_a_bad_light.html)

Something has to give.  And ultimately, each of us has to make his or her own decisions on how to balance family and work. There is no right answer.

While I feel some sense of contentment at work, sometimes, I think I could and should be further along in my career. I question whether I am reaching or on track to reach my full potential. Isn’t part of my job as a parent to demonstrate a work ethic? Then, I wonder if I made more money, would my family be better off? It certainly would relieve certain stresses (and bring others – I know).

My job allows me to be home early. For three days a week, I am the parent in charge. Dinner, homework, bathing are all my responsibility.  While this may leave me grunting and frustrated at times, I enjoy the bonding time and recognize its importance. I know my boys. I know their best friends’ names. I know their favorite television shows. I know what they like to read.

It’s nine o’clock and the boys are in bed (normally).  It should be time for winding down – maybe watch some television, read, surf the net or talk with my wife. However, I don’t take this luxury. Instead, part two of my work day begins. It’s time for lesson planning, grading papers, or writing an article, blog post, etc.

So, I struggle like many others with balancing work and family. I strive to give my children the best of me and find meaning in work. Either way, I am happy to sit in the third row knowing that is where I should be.

Becoming You

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BecomeWhen my brothers and I were children, my aunt and uncle tape recorded/interviewed us. My oldest two brothers had a debate on football. My next older brother sounds listed the television shows he watched and the times and channels they were on – he sounded like a human T.V. Guide. Then it was my turn. My aunt and uncle asked me questions such as where I lived, who my best friend was, what school I went too, etc.

When they were ready to interview the next person, I asked to do it again. I said, “I can do it better.” I was no more than 6 years old.

—

Do you ever wonder when do you become you? When do you display the traits that stick with you for a life time? Is it when you are five and you are headed to kindergarten? Or maybe, 13 when you hit your teens and puberty? Or is it 21 when you become of legal drinking age? Or is it when you become 30 and gain perspective? Or is it when you are born?

When BR, my 9 year-old, was first born his eyes were wide open. I commented on this to the nurse who told me, “Oh that’s common. He’ll shut them soon.”  Well, we are still waiting. He is a ball of energy.

BR’s latest obsession is with baseball statistics. He carries around two statistics-filled books around the house (when he is not on the computer viewing MLB.com) as if he were Linus and the books were the blanket. His previous obsession, the presidents, seems to have faded away. Maybe, this obsession, statistics, sticks. He gets a job as a statistician, actuary, accountant – something numbers based. Maybe, he is a numbers boy who will turn into a numbers guy.

When SJ, my 6 year-old was first born, he came out plump with his eyes half closed. I commented about how he looked so sleepy. The nurse (a different one) noted that many babies come out with their eyes slightly closed. Well, SJ is a great sleeper. He is very content to watch television (though he does enjoy the park and his bike) and charges downstairs when I call out dinner time as if he were a bull exiting the gate at a rodeo.

Recently, SJ told me he wanted to be a meteorologist. He used to say Thomas the Train. When questioned as to why a meteorologist, he told me, “This way you get to be on tv and everyone watches you.” His instinct for showmanship is not something new. Every Friday night while we are eating our Sabbath meal, he shimmies on to the coffee table and introduces us to the SJ show. He will sing, tell jokes, and dance. He also bows, says “Thank you, thank you,” and insists that we clap. So, maybe he is a future entertainer of some sort. He is looking for that attention that second children see the first born get.

—

Then, there is me. I think about that tape my aunt and uncle made. “I can do better.” This thought often goes through my head. It both boosts me up and knocks me down. I am proud of my desire to learn, understand, and grow. Yet, the feeling that I can always do better hinders my feelings of satisfaction.  Contentment within myself is not something that comes to me easily.

Do you become you at some point and stay you? Recently, an old friend of mine contacted me – of course through Facebook. I had not spoken to her since my early 20’s – nearly 20 years ago.  I wonder if we spoke to each other or to anyone else, for that matter, to whom we had not spoken to in an extended time, would they recognize or see the same qualities?

I suppose there are a core set of qualities, values and instincts, etc. that one retains throughout life. However, maybe you are becoming you every day. Every day you are you even if you are a new you.