Kind of Crazy Cold

Today, Monday, is the first day that the temperature is predicted to go over the freezing mark in about a week. Yeah, I know it’s January, it’s winter. I get it. So, I expect it to be cold. But these temperatures have been crazy cold. Want to know how crazy? (Yes, Larry, how crazy cold has it been?) Thanks for your interest – let me tell you.

It’s been:

Soup for every meal kind of crazy cold.

Cell phone works with bare hand only then stay in my pocket kind of crazy cold.

Spit turns to ice upon hitting the ground kind of crazy cold.

Insist kids wear gloves and hat no matter how much they complain kind of crazy cold.

Need to knit your dog a sweater kind of crazy cold.

Afraid of the heat bill kind of crazy cold.

Can we retire to Florida now kind of crazy cold.

Wish I had a way to preheat the car kind of crazy cold.

Where can I buy one of those scary ski masks kind of crazy cold.

How many layers can I wear with out falling over kind of crazy cold.

Keep food cold in the garage kind of crazy cold.

Didn’t know that body part could get that cold kind of cold.

Hell freezing over might be warmer kind of crazy cold.

Hey it’s in the 20’s and that’s not so bad kind of crazy cold.

Counting down 51 more days to spring kind of crazy cold.

It’s been… ahh you get the point. Anyway, as my childhood friend, MG, reminds me, the past couple of winters have been relatively mild. So, this crazy cold streak is just the odds coming in.

So let’s hear from you – what would you add to my ‘that kind of crazy cold’ list?


Winter Loser

It’s Spring. Yes, I know it does not officially begin till Wednesday, but let’s call a spade a spade. Here on the East Coast at least, we escaped the harsh winters we are used to and the snow of the last two winters. It was downright mild for the most of the winter. Not that I am complaining. I’ve told my wife on multiple occasions that I am the type who retires to Florida. Anyway, I kept waiting for another cold spell and even snow. I braced myself for the coming frigid weather. I repeatedly checked out and clicked on the 10-day forecast. I skimmed the information looking for those evil 20’s and teens but lo and behold they rarely appeared. What about snow? Are we getting snow? Nope, not that either. (To be honest, I would like a snow day – for my kids’ sake of course).

The temperatures are only one reason I hate winter. The biggest reason is I am a Winter loser. Well, what I mean by that is the winter magnifies one of my worst traits. I tend to lose things (unfortunately, this seems to be another one of those traits I have passed down. I think my son’s school is going to rename the lost and found after him. We still can’t find his winter coat). I go through 2-3 lunch bags a school year, have lost multiple thumb drives, misplaced glasses, etc. In fact, if you could line up everything I lost, Hansel and Gretel could go on 200-mile hike. What they would see the most along their hike are gloves and hats. Ahh, now you see one of my biggest problems with winter. In winter in particular, I am a loser. I need to buy disposable hats and gloves like some people buy disposable contact lenses.

Last year over Chanukah, my wife got me a decent pair of gloves. She was disappointed at my reaction to the gift. I looked at them and saw pressure. What if I lost them? If – who am I kidding – when I lost them, my wife would be reminded of this failing yet again. While she doesn’t think me perfect – that ended by the end of the first date – I still have some dignity. Anyway, I lost them and bought two more pairs. Despite this stocking up, by the time the dreaded season ended, I was wearing 2 left-handed gloves. It was part of my stance against personal waste.

This winter, this mild winter, I once again got gloves for the holidays. This time my wife gave me three inexpensive pairs along with matching hats. I am proud to say I only lost one hat (that was last year’s replacement hat) and one glove. Is it pathetic to feel proud and view this lack of loss as an example of growth and accomplishment? I think not. So as I take stock this Spring, I feel pretty darn good. After all, I am the proud owner of hats and gloves. I won!