So long Sochi.
Bye bye Winter Olympics.
What are you going to watch from 8-11 pm? Don’t fear. I have the perfect idea to fill your viewing void. Yes I am the bearer of good tidings.
Today I bring you – DRUM ROLL PLEASE – news of the Winter Olympics – Suburbs Style.
Who needs the Alps, Rockies or Himalayas? Or even a mountainous area?
Not the Winter Olympics – Suburbs Style. That’s for sure.
Check out these events:
- Pot Hole Jumping – athletes run over ice and snow. They then leap over a massive pothole that has arisen due to excessive salting during this winter of our discontent. A clean landing and takeoff are keys. In fact, athletes will be judged based on their approach, landing and of course if they actually clear the pothole.
- Snow Pile Walking – this one’s all about speed and balance folks. Athletes will walk briskly over jagged mounds of snow which stand up to eight feet high. The snow pile will start at the end of the driveway and end at a bus stop. Of course the wind plays a factor too as well as the lost gloves, hats and other winter paraphernalia that liter the snow pile.
- Snowman Building – creativity, patience, teamwork, and speed are required for this event. Yes teamwork. This is a two person event – parent and child (under 10) will build a snowman five feet tall. Each snowman will be made out of three balls of snows. Arms and facial features must be included. Points will be subtracted for children wining, throwing tantrums, or simply walking away.
- Newspaper Dash – speed and balance. Which athlete has got this package? The athlete will run down icy steps (with an iced railing) around a car, and another car, over a flower bed fence to the end of their driveway, unbury the newspaper, and have to run back. In their thermal bathrobes. Style counts baby!
- Snow Car Driving – this event is about vision and brushes. Yes, brushes. Each athlete will be armed with a snow brush to remove snow from their car (I see sponsorship opportunities) and driving to Home Depot (another sponsorship. This event is a bonanza!). Sounds simple right? Hold on to your minivan dvd player, there’s more. You see athletes must decide how much snow to brush off as each swipe takes time. The best athletes can clear a small patch of front window on the driver’s side and still navigate the route with ease.
- Driveway Ice Skating – grace, beauty, balance. This event requires it all. Couples dancing gracefully to their favorite Kidz Bop song while their children shield their eyes in embarrassment yelling stop. By the end of the song the couple will have made it to the bottom of the driveway incline and lifted up their fallen trashcans. Oh and ice skates are forbidden. Instead thick woolen clunky books are required for each member of the duo.
- Snow blower Races – self-explanatory, I know. However, let me tell you about the history behind this. You see the first Suburb Olympics in Levittown, NY had Shoveling Races. This is the first Olympics where Snow blowing has replaced Shoveling. The purists are in an uproar. However, all can appreciate the challenge that comes with keeping the blower on the sidewalk and driveway and not going on the lawn. After all tearing up the lawn is an indefensible crime in the suburbs.
So what do you say to Winter Olympics – Suburbs Style? Sounds great – right? Even better, I think I might be able to compete in an event or two. How about you?
Photo is Courtesy of Flickr