Relationships – The Need to Communicate, the Desire to Change

Still trying to communicate after all these years

My wife and I – communication is the key

I believe in change. Don’t be frightened off – this is not another post about politics.

Anyway, I could not do my job if I did not believe in change.

But this is not about those challenging and occasionally likable high schoolers.

No, this is about relationships and marriage.

The other night my wife and I were having a discussion. Actually, it’s private. Yes, even bloggers hold some things back.

Anyway, in the middle of the discussion, it hit me. We had this same basic discussion about the same basic issue previously. I don’t mean last week, and it’s only coming up again because we are sleep deprived or have exhausted every non-child topic after nearly 12 years of marriage.

No, because in this case, my wife and I have not changed – at least not dramatically.

A little background.

When we first met, we went out a few times over a month, and then, I broke up with her. We met up again, by chance, a few weeks later, at some event and ended up walking home together. We had a discussion and decided to give it another try.

Six months later, we were serious. I had even brought her home to visit my family. This is definitely not something I made a habit of. I prefer asking questions to answering them. Anyway, afterwards, she told me she needed to pull back and think some things over.

A few months later we were engaged, and a few months later we were married.

And everything was perfect!

Yeah right. And life’s a Disney movie.

A couple of years into our marriage and after BR was born, we visited a therapist.

Each of these stoppages, etc. was really for the same issue.

So, while circumstances have changed – from getting to know you, to seriously involved, to parents etc. – the same issue was still there.

And I don’t think the issue is going to go away. Don’t fret. This is not the sweeps episode where something dramatic happens. No blood, tears, or loss of limb here.

Thankfully, my wife and I had a good discussion which left both of us more understanding of what the other is thinking/feeling.

Despite that, I don’t things will change dramatically. Yes, I know what I said earlier about how I believe in change. We each have some things about ourselves which we will always be working on throughout our lives. Some moments, days, years even, we will have more success and other times less. Life will continue to be busy and stressful, crazy and rushed. Stuff we can’t plan for or imagine will happen, and it will be easy to slip into old patterns. Intentional or not.

In a marriage, you can’t just shut down – you keep trying to make those changes. Really, it’s about communicating.

Have To Wash My Hair Tonight

That’s not really true – the title that is. I am a morning shower person. Anyway, you know how you used to watch those television shows like Happy Days and other comedies of that era? When a woman didn’t want to accept a date request, she would say I have to wash my hair. Now, of course, the guy did not buy that excuse. It’s just too lame. However, he would accept it at least publicly because it was a way to escape the embarrassing no to his date request. “Hey she’s busy,” he could tell his friends, “she has plans tonight.”

This is the third week of the new school year. We have already had some days off for holidays with more coming. Despite that, I feel as though I have so much to do. Rushing, rushing, rushing.

One of my goals this school year is to minimize stress. Actually, it’s a goal I set every year which seems to fade ever slowly away till it’s time to do grading for the first marking period. At that point, it just completely disintegrates. I end up feeling anxious and fighting the feeling that I am not getting enough accomplished.

Last year, however, was a bit different. I wasn’t as hard on myself. I followed through on some of my promises to myself. I actually got to get bed earlier one night a week, assisted the students as best as I could and did not take their failings as my own. I even did some things for myself (one of those was to start a blog – you may have heard of it – it’s called memyselfandkids) You know what? It felt good!

This year, I am ready to take it to another level. I have a number of things that I want to accomplish outside of school. Therefore, I have to be even wiser and more efficient when it comes to budgeting my time. This goal has been in the back of my mind all summer. I know I can, I know I can. I psyched myself up.

You’re waiting for the but right? Well, here it comes. Sort of.

I have had to go out nearly every night since school started. Whether it was a back to school night, religious commitment, a concert (saw Bruce Springsteen and the E. Street Band last night), I have had regular plans every night. You know what I need? I need a bunch of nights in a row where when you get home, you can latch the door because you know you are not leaving till the next morning. You know the type of night I mean? Now, of course, there are still familial responsibilities, but that’s different. That’s an everyday responsibility, and one I enjoy (usually).

So, I am thinking about using that line. The next person who tries to make a plan will hear, “I need to wash my hair.” Who knows what they will think? I just know that I need the space and time.