Tag Archives: marriage

Separate & Equal

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Arguing over $$$!Courtesy of google.com

Arguing over $$$!
Courtesy of google.com

“You do what?” K.L., my friend,  was incredulous.

We had known each other a few years and I had not recalled ever seeing him look so surprised. I wondered why he was making such a big deal out of something my wife and I saw as practical and helpful.

I repeated, “I said we keep separate bank accounts and share the bills.”

“What are you roommates?”

I laughed.

—

Certainly there are many stresses on a marriage. A survey of counseling professionals conducted by Your Tango.com. found that “74 percent of experts polled agree that the number one predictor of divorce is differing values around kids, money and/or sex.” (http://magazine.foxnews.com/love/expert-survey-reveals-number-one-reason-couples-divorce#ixzz2WlNQhWCh).

However, it can be argued that money causes the most stress on a marriage. In fact according to a study by Jeffrey Drew at Utah State University, “Of all these common things couples fight about, money disputes were the best harbingers of divorce. For wives, disagreements over finances and sex were good predictors of divorce, but finance disputes were much stronger predictors. For husbands, financial disagreements were the only type of common disagreement that predicted whether they would get a divorce.”  http://economix.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/12/07/money-fights-predict-divorce-rates/

I can also speak based on empirical evidence. My parents had different perspectives when it came to money. Unfortunately, when they had financial challenges on top of their different perspectives, fuel was added to the fire and caused stress.

—

Between the studies and my empirical evidence, I take the money issue seriously.

My wife and I make around the same amount of money. By the way, I would like it noted that I would be quite fine if she made much more. My manhood would not be offended or threatened if she becomes a mommy warbucks.

Now, that that information is out there, let me get to the bigger issue at hand. My wife and I have different spending habits. She makes no attempt to keep up her checkbook. If you asked her how much she had in her checking account, she may be in the ballpark. She enjoys shopping. And as I have joked before due to her online habits, my children’s first three letters learned were UPS.  I always get the receipt when going to the ATM to check my balance, make and follow a strict budget, and shop only when necessary.

Clearly, we are opposites and there is every reason to believe that money could be a real issue in our marriage.

—

I responded to K.L. “It just works for us. We have different philosophies on money and we make around the same amount.”

“But you are a couple. Isn’t everything both of yours?”

“Of course. But having some independence is a good thing. Besides, I know that S (my wife) likes to shop. I don’t always agree or think it’s necessary (see the bench https://larrydbernstein.com/to-the-bench/). But I also know that she is a wiz at online and rarely pays full price for anything. Anyway, this saves us from arguing over her every purchase. I just bring the UPS packages in the house.”

“And the bills?”

“We split them.”

“What do you divvy everything up at the end of the month?”

“Pretty much. Look, it’s not as if we split it down to the penny or count everything. The point is we have a system, and it works for us.”

“I guess so.”

And that is the point, it works for us.

What about you? How do you handle money issues in your marriage?

A Date With Haagen-Daz

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The first couple of years or BC – before children – my wife and I never talked about date night. There was no need. We just went out when we wanted to. Staying in was not a terrible option either, wink, wink.  Anyway for the first years AC, or after children, we talked about the need for having a date night.

Well, we finally committed to it a few years back.  We go out once a month. One month my wife handles the arrangements and the next month, it’s my turn. Now, I think that sounds fair, reasonable, equitable. Except it does not work that way. I am the one who ends up pushing to go out and making the plans.

Checking out a retro jazz band, wandering a museum featuring an exhibition of our favorite artist, eating at this new restaurant that got written up with a great review in the paper. Alex, “that would have to be what are dates we never go on?”

I can plan a great date. I have planned plenty for us – if I do say so myself.  These days I am not the greatest at planning dates. No, I am not being hard on myself. Half the time, we end up at the Starbucks in Barnes and Noble. We sit in the comfy chairs while sipping our caffeinated beverages and talking about the children. About a mile away from romantic – ehh? It’s actually pleasant and easy if a little staid.

In reality, my wife and I enjoy a fun date as much as the next couple. Two issues often come up which tend to make this not occur: Time and Money. Are you familiar with them?

Anyway, our most recent date ended at Haagen-Dazs. You might be thinking to yourself that doesn’t sound so bad. And I would agree. Yet, there’s more.

Picture courtesy of Google.com

Picture courtesy of Google.com

The date had begun 45 minutes earlier in Shop Rite.  No, this is not another one of MMK’s food shopping stories. Just being practical – we were out of milk and cheese and so food shopping we went.  It was actually quite special. We laughed, we cried, we bonded as we made it to the refrigerated section. Our relationship was at a new level by the time we went through the 10 items or less express lane.

From food shopping, we went to AC Moore.  I have never been to AC Moore before. I never want to go back to AC Moore. It’s not personal. Anyway, we were wandering around looking for a picture frame. Yup, it was truly fun. I just wish they sold rings so we could have renewed our wedding vowels by the matting section. How special that would have been.

At that point in the evening, well late afternoon might be more accurate, we had twenty minutes left till we had to be home. It was then that my wife brought up the ice cream idea. I looked at my wallet and saw I had just $8. When the cashier at Haagen-Dazs said, “That’ll be 6.37,” I smiled and happily handed over the money before joining my wife who had already begun munching on her ice cream cone.

Yes, all’s well that ends well.  But, I think I need to make a plan next time. Suggestions?

The Answer is No

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Earlier today, my friend Jesse Clemence published a guest post from yours truly:

Recently, I got some news that I had been waiting on very anxiously. It was not life or death or even health related. It was not news that would cause me financial calamity, but in fact a negative answer would relieve some financial stress.

To Read More: http://jessieclemence.com/2013/05/03/when-the-answer-is-no/#comment-1920

Suffocating My Wife

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My wife and I had our first date in early November. We went out a few times and then broke up. A month later we got back together, and by August, we were engaged. We were married in January or 14 months after we first met. Some might say that’s fast others wondered what took so long. Regardless of where you stand, there are some things we did not know about each other till we got married.

SURPRISES

I am not a cook. I am a defroster, boiler, microwaver. In other words, I can get something on the table, but the closest I get to homemade is spelling it. My wife on the other hand is a very good cook. She cooked for me before we were married. However, it was different then. It was on an occasional basis, the crush of everyday life was not upon us, and she was still trying to impress me. Now, two kids are whining, the guests will be here in an hour, and she’s working on little sleep – well, she can still whip up a delicious meal. Yes, my wife can cook.
Chalk cooking up as a pleasant surprise.
Unfortunately, I have discovered some unpleasant things as well.
My wife snores. Now, some nights she just breathes loudly and other nights it’s as if she is campaigning to join the Three Stooges. You would think I would be used to it as we are married over 11 years now.  I’m not. Unless, I am totally exhausted, I need quiet when I go to sleep. So, what’s a tired guy to do?
Courtesy of GoogleThe poor guy - I empathize!

Courtesy of Google
The poor guy – I empathize!

Now, you would think I would just go to sleep before her. However, it rarely works out that way, and I as I told you I tend to be more alert at bed time than my wife (https://larrydbernstein.com/the-great-communicator/). So, that’s out. What can I do?

THE FIRST STEPS

I could just grin and bear it. Nah – I got to be me.
First, I try shushing my wife. The snores get louder and I call out “shhhhh.” Believe it or not this works sometimes. Well, a snore or two is quieter.
Step two is pulling the blanket over my head. I don’t mind doing this in the winter. However, it doesn’t really help as the snores penetrate my blanket shield.
Third, I put a pillow over my ears. Nope same issue as the blanket.
Next, I get a bit pushy. I give my wife a gentle shove. I figure maybe if she readjusts then the snores may stop. Rarely works.
At this point, I am getting frustrated. The night time is slipping away. And I imagine myself having a sleepless night.  Then, I have to go to work exhausted and have a rotten day. Then my imagination really takes off: I get fired, develop a disease, and start World War III. OMG – I have to sleep. The snoring must stop.
I pull out the big guns.

NOT SUFFOCATING

I put a pillow over my wife’s face – gently. Or I pull a blanket all the way up so that it covers her face – leaving room for air of course. I don’t want to suffocate her. She doesn’t see it this way. Recently, I woke her up when attempting to quiet the snoring.
“What are you doing?”
“What?”
“What are you trying to suffocate me?”
“No, it’s just you were snoring and I couldn’t sleep and…”
“I have a cold. Do you mind?”
“Well, actually…” I am ready to explain that she sometimes snores even without a cold. But I recognize it is not the time to argue. “Sorry.”
She doesn’t answer. And in a couple of minutes the snoring continues, but its quieter now.
Maybe, the fear of being suffocated has somehow caused my wife to turn down her snoring. I would never do it you know – suffocate her that is. But I am thankful the threat of it has quieted her. After all, I need my sleep. Who wants World War III?