All Males Here

The other night my wife and I watched the movie This is 40. It’s a decent move that had some funny lines and a few parts that we could relate to.  The movie focuses on a family of four made up of a husband, wife and two daughters.

Movie poster image courtesy of Google

Movie poster image courtesy of Google

During one scene, Pete (husband/father) is feeling left out and frustrated as his wife and daughters are dancing along to some pop music which he despises. So, Pete plays his music and starts dancing to it. The females of the family are clearly uninterested and want it off.  Pete says, “Sometimes, I wish just one of you had a dick.”

I turned to my wife and asked her about our male dominant family, “Do you ever wish there was another vagina in our family?” She answered without hesitation, “Yup.”

I laughed.

“What is that noise? Are you trying to poop back there?”

SJ shook his head, “No. Can you open this?”  He handed me a tupperware cup full of juice. Damn muscle tone issues.

“Oh, that’s better. It really did sound like you were trying to make a poop. Didn’t it?” BR and I were laughing.

SJ started kicking my seat. He thought I was making fun of him. I wasn’t.  “I’m just joking. Relax!”

“Hey Daddy, remember that Lightning McQueen game?”  BR said. He was referring to a handheld game that my wife got the boys a while back to play in the car. Very educational – you can learn about geography and national landmarks. While playing the game recently, BR & I noticed another feature that tops its educational value. When Lightning McQueen crashes, it sounds like he is farting.

Lightning McQueen photo courtesy of Google.

Lightning McQueen photo courtesy of Google.

“Of course I remember.”

“Remember how it sounds like Lightning is farting? It’s funny, right?”

“Uh huh.  Hey, I have an idea. Turn the game on so that it will make the farting noises. SJ, when you see me wave my hand, you make that noise you were making before.”

The next minute our orchestra was in perfect pitch. Lawrence Welk has nothing on me. The boys and I were cackling away.

“Hey, do you guys think mommy would find this funny?” I asked. “Nah. Women and girls don’t really find this sort of stuff funny.”

BR and SJ were not interested in a conversation about the differences between men and women. All they could say was, “Do it again, do it again!”

Sorry, honey.

 

A Date With Haagen-Daz

The first couple of years or BC – before children – my wife and I never talked about date night. There was no need. We just went out when we wanted to. Staying in was not a terrible option either, wink, wink.  Anyway for the first years AC, or after children, we talked about the need for having a date night.

Well, we finally committed to it a few years back.  We go out once a month. One month my wife handles the arrangements and the next month, it’s my turn. Now, I think that sounds fair, reasonable, equitable. Except it does not work that way. I am the one who ends up pushing to go out and making the plans.

Checking out a retro jazz band, wandering a museum featuring an exhibition of our favorite artist, eating at this new restaurant that got written up with a great review in the paper. Alex, “that would have to be what are dates we never go on?”

I can plan a great date. I have planned plenty for us – if I do say so myself.  These days I am not the greatest at planning dates. No, I am not being hard on myself. Half the time, we end up at the Starbucks in Barnes and Noble. We sit in the comfy chairs while sipping our caffeinated beverages and talking about the children. About a mile away from romantic – ehh? It’s actually pleasant and easy if a little staid.

In reality, my wife and I enjoy a fun date as much as the next couple. Two issues often come up which tend to make this not occur: Time and Money. Are you familiar with them?

Anyway, our most recent date ended at Haagen-Dazs. You might be thinking to yourself that doesn’t sound so bad. And I would agree. Yet, there’s more.

Picture courtesy of Google.com

Picture courtesy of Google.com

The date had begun 45 minutes earlier in Shop Rite.  No, this is not another one of MMK’s food shopping stories. Just being practical – we were out of milk and cheese and so food shopping we went.  It was actually quite special. We laughed, we cried, we bonded as we made it to the refrigerated section. Our relationship was at a new level by the time we went through the 10 items or less express lane.

From food shopping, we went to AC Moore.  I have never been to AC Moore before. I never want to go back to AC Moore. It’s not personal. Anyway, we were wandering around looking for a picture frame. Yup, it was truly fun. I just wish they sold rings so we could have renewed our wedding vowels by the matting section. How special that would have been.

At that point in the evening, well late afternoon might be more accurate, we had twenty minutes left till we had to be home. It was then that my wife brought up the ice cream idea. I looked at my wallet and saw I had just $8. When the cashier at Haagen-Dazs said, “That’ll be 6.37,” I smiled and happily handed over the money before joining my wife who had already begun munching on her ice cream cone.

Yes, all’s well that ends well.  But, I think I need to make a plan next time. Suggestions?

Suffocating My Wife

My wife and I had our first date in early November. We went out a few times and then broke up. A month later we got back together, and by August, we were engaged. We were married in January or 14 months after we first met. Some might say that’s fast others wondered what took so long. Regardless of where you stand, there are some things we did not know about each other till we got married.

SURPRISES

I am not a cook. I am a defroster, boiler, microwaver. In other words, I can get something on the table, but the closest I get to homemade is spelling it. My wife on the other hand is a very good cook. She cooked for me before we were married. However, it was different then. It was on an occasional basis, the crush of everyday life was not upon us, and she was still trying to impress me. Now, two kids are whining, the guests will be here in an hour, and she’s working on little sleep – well, she can still whip up a delicious meal. Yes, my wife can cook.
Chalk cooking up as a pleasant surprise.
Unfortunately, I have discovered some unpleasant things as well.
My wife snores. Now, some nights she just breathes loudly and other nights it’s as if she is campaigning to join the Three Stooges. You would think I would be used to it as we are married over 11 years now.  I’m not. Unless, I am totally exhausted, I need quiet when I go to sleep. So, what’s a tired guy to do?
Courtesy of GoogleThe poor guy - I empathize!

Courtesy of Google
The poor guy – I empathize!

Now, you would think I would just go to sleep before her. However, it rarely works out that way, and I as I told you I tend to be more alert at bed time than my wife (http://larrydbernstein.com/the-great-communicator/). So, that’s out. What can I do?

THE FIRST STEPS

I could just grin and bear it. Nah – I got to be me.
First, I try shushing my wife. The snores get louder and I call out “shhhhh.” Believe it or not this works sometimes. Well, a snore or two is quieter.
Step two is pulling the blanket over my head. I don’t mind doing this in the winter. However, it doesn’t really help as the snores penetrate my blanket shield.
Third, I put a pillow over my ears. Nope same issue as the blanket.
Next, I get a bit pushy. I give my wife a gentle shove. I figure maybe if she readjusts then the snores may stop. Rarely works.
At this point, I am getting frustrated. The night time is slipping away. And I imagine myself having a sleepless night.  Then, I have to go to work exhausted and have a rotten day. Then my imagination really takes off: I get fired, develop a disease, and start World War III. OMG – I have to sleep. The snoring must stop.
I pull out the big guns.

NOT SUFFOCATING

I put a pillow over my wife’s face – gently. Or I pull a blanket all the way up so that it covers her face – leaving room for air of course. I don’t want to suffocate her. She doesn’t see it this way. Recently, I woke her up when attempting to quiet the snoring.
“What are you doing?”
“What?”
“What are you trying to suffocate me?”
“No, it’s just you were snoring and I couldn’t sleep and…”
“I have a cold. Do you mind?”
“Well, actually…” I am ready to explain that she sometimes snores even without a cold. But I recognize it is not the time to argue. “Sorry.”
She doesn’t answer. And in a couple of minutes the snoring continues, but its quieter now.
Maybe, the fear of being suffocated has somehow caused my wife to turn down her snoring. I would never do it you know – suffocate her that is. But I am thankful the threat of it has quieted her. After all, I need my sleep. Who wants World War III?

I’m Not Si..

“Feel my head.”

“What?”

“Just feel my head.”

“You’re cool.”

“Well, of course I am. But do you think I have temperature?”

“No.” Not even a smile or a ha ha.

It has been a long week! My older son, BR, ran a high fever on Sunday, threw up, and – well, that’s enough. You get the point.  Though he returned to school on Wednesday, he has been a bit lackluster all week. While it is nice to have him off his normal hyped up pace, I prefer it not be due to sickness. In addition, my wife has been dealing with a cold. Thankfully, SJ has been fine.

And then there’s me.

I’ve been si…

I’ve been si…

I can’t say it. No, make that, I won’t say it.  I am not a good patient, as you probably realized from an earlier post (http://larrydbernstein.com/feeling-better/). However, I am even worse when it comes to admitting that I am – don’t make me say it. There’s that word again. Sick.

Growing up, “Family Ties” was one of my favorite television shows. I recall an episode where Steven – the father, played by Michael Gross – refuses to admit that he is, you know. He says you can’t give in to it and he refuses to make his body a home for germs. I am with him on this. By the way, I have searched for and watched the episode as part of my research for this post. The things I must go through.

Family Ties Cast

Family Ties Cast

http://www.tv.com/shows/family-ties/engine-trouble-14937/

Now, if I could just have temperature. Even 99.0, well then, I could say it, admit it. Instead, I have a nasty cough, chest pain, and runny nose. But I am not si… No, no, no. I am not feeling great. I’m a little under the weather. I could be better.

So, this week, I made it to work all five days. I stood in front of my students, taught lessons, and graded papers. Some days, I was more effective than others. Anyway, I am glad the weekend is here. I need to rest. I hate being sick.