Efficient Morning

I am especially efficient in the morning.  In the hope of making my morning preparation as easy and thoughtless as possible, I lay out my clothes the night before, make my lunch and place each item on the same shelf in the refrigerator, place my toiletries on the sink, take my ticket out of my wallet and leave all my essentials – phone, wallet, keys, and watch – in a pile on the table. Do you remember how in certain Three Stooges episodes the guys would wake up and get out of bed all dressed in their suits – well, I’ve considered trying that. Anyway, I feel proud of my morning routine – up at 5:31 and out the door at 6:09. It is not give or take a few minutes. However, there is a big variable in completing the morning rituals.

I lied there are two big variables – Thing 1 (BR) and Thing 2 (SY). At that point of the day (and many others actually), all the children want to do is go and watch television. They don’t seem especially interested in eating at that hour, content to wait for my wife who sees them off in the morning.  So other than their standard stomping around the house and smashing open of doors, my calm and gentle boys don’t make much impact.
Yet, they do. Let me backtrack. I am not a morning talker – never have been. By the time I was in high school, I was pretty much on my own in the morning. My mother would be on her way to work by the time I awoke, my father would still be sleeping, my two oldest brothers were already out of the house, and my next older brother would be burrowed in his room – only to emerge when it was time to walk to school.  I was effectively alone in the mornings and quite fine with it.

Fast forward to today. I am used to being alone in the mornings. I like the quiet of the house. I like the space that this time of the day affords me. So, despite the fact that the children are self-sufficient for the most part at that hour, the serenity I feel is upended. Do I have time to get them breakfast, did they flush the toilet, did they wake my wife, do I have to talk to them (perish the thought)? Yeah, I love my children, but in the morning, I want to hear the house hum and proceed in my efficient way.  See you later kids.

Help Me With My Scattered Brain

Scatter brain scatter brain – where are you now?  If there was a traffic cop that gave tickets to people whose minds are zooming, my license would be suspended.

“I’m sorry sir, but you need to step out of your mind.”

“But officer..”

“You’re doing 90 thoughts a minute in a 20 thoughts per minute zone.”

My wife has been out of town on business the last couple of days. So, my mom took the 90 mile trip up Route 95 and has been staying with the children and me. She is incredibly helpful though she often doesn’t think so.  A typical conversation:

“Don’t do the dishes.”

“I got it mom. Don’t worry.”

“Just let them sit. I’ll take care of it.”

“It’s okay mom. Thanks.”

“I don’t know why you don’t let me do anything.”

Meanwhile, her day has consisted of getting the kids ready and off to school, picking up a couple of things at the store, making the beds, taking the kids off the bus, and preparing dinner. A real slacker she is.

Despite my mother’s great help, the house runs differently when my wife is not home.  She has a system for everything – “that Thomas train does not belong there.”

“Uhh sorry.”

My wife is an organizational dynamo.  Doctors appointments, school meetings, after school activities – she knows the kids schedules backwards and forwards.  I am filled in on this information on a need to know basis. Actually, I remember the information on a need to know basis.

“Don’t you remember?  I told there’s a birthday party Sunday, karate on Tuesday, a school meeting on Wednesday, and Friday is a half day.”

“Yes dear.  Of course I remember. Well, I forgot about the half day, and I thought the party was next week. But, I got it now. We’ll handle it.”

The look of exasperation on her face and frustration during these conversations is palpable. She’ll rail about how we both have to be on top of things. She’s right, and I am on top of things – somewhat.

Well, this week with her out of town, I really did have to be on top of things. Uggh.  I miss her. I want to tag her, say you’re it, and hand off these worries.  I’m good at sharing.  Anyway, maybe then I can focus, and put the pieces back together of my scattered brain.

All Day Person

When the alarm clock went off this morning, I groaned.  It was not a practice for the upcoming holiday, ‘Let My People Go’ sort of groan. It was the groan of someone awakening too darn early.
You see I am not a morning person, at least not naturally. My mom went back to work when I was in kindergarten, and she left very early, and my father set his own hours and those did not include early ones. So, waking up in the morning was my responsibility. I did what I had to do but certainly could not have been described as a “morning person.”  My preference was for silence, and I cursed perky people. I promised myself that when I went to college I would not take early classes. Soon enough I will have to get up early for work, I reasoned, so why get up early now?
On the other hand, I am not a “night person” – never have been.  I would think twice before going to a party or a bar with friends if it meant getting home too late.   I was always one of the first to leave the social event and did not mind the title party pooper.  I always reasoned that I had responsibilities to handle the next day, and I wanted to be sharp.
So, what am I then?  Where do I fit in? I would have to say I’m a “mid-morning person.” I hit my peak productivity, happiness, pleasantness level at around 10:00 am.  I’m feeling good.  I have had my breakfast, adjusted to whatever my responsibilities are for the day and am in my groove.  Yup, I am practically a whirling dervish at that hour. If you would see me you would point to my productivity in wonderment. It’s a bit crazy.
Things have changed.  I want to blame my children.  I remember a neighbor of mine telling me when my wife was pregnant to “Sleep now.”  What do you mean, “Sleep now”?  You can’t store sleep away like a bear stores nuts and berries or like a camel stores water. I don’t have a hump. He just smiled a “trust-me” smile.  Once the child is born, others advised, “Sleep when the baby is sleeping.” It sounded reasonable. This way you can maximize time spent with the child. However, a question quickly arises: When the hell are you supposed to get anything done?  Well, my children are not babies anymore – 5 & 8 (it’s my older boy’s birthday today – happy birthday buddy – love you).
So, shouldn’t things be different now?  Shouldn’t my sleep patterns be my own now and not theirs? You might think so, but you would be wrong. I am now a night person, day person, and a middle of the morning person. I guess that is why I am also a tired person.

Winter Loser

It’s Spring. Yes, I know it does not officially begin till Wednesday, but let’s call a spade a spade. Here on the East Coast at least, we escaped the harsh winters we are used to and the snow of the last two winters. It was downright mild for the most of the winter. Not that I am complaining. I’ve told my wife on multiple occasions that I am the type who retires to Florida. Anyway, I kept waiting for another cold spell and even snow. I braced myself for the coming frigid weather. I repeatedly checked out weather.com and clicked on the 10-day forecast. I skimmed the information looking for those evil 20’s and teens but lo and behold they rarely appeared. What about snow? Are we getting snow? Nope, not that either. (To be honest, I would like a snow day – for my kids’ sake of course).

The temperatures are only one reason I hate winter. The biggest reason is I am a Winter loser. Well, what I mean by that is the winter magnifies one of my worst traits. I tend to lose things (unfortunately, this seems to be another one of those traits I have passed down. I think my son’s school is going to rename the lost and found after him. We still can’t find his winter coat). I go through 2-3 lunch bags a school year, have lost multiple thumb drives, misplaced glasses, etc. In fact, if you could line up everything I lost, Hansel and Gretel could go on 200-mile hike. What they would see the most along their hike are gloves and hats. Ahh, now you see one of my biggest problems with winter. In winter in particular, I am a loser. I need to buy disposable hats and gloves like some people buy disposable contact lenses.

Last year over Chanukah, my wife got me a decent pair of gloves. She was disappointed at my reaction to the gift. I looked at them and saw pressure. What if I lost them? If – who am I kidding – when I lost them, my wife would be reminded of this failing yet again. While she doesn’t think me perfect – that ended by the end of the first date – I still have some dignity. Anyway, I lost them and bought two more pairs. Despite this stocking up, by the time the dreaded season ended, I was wearing 2 left-handed gloves. It was part of my stance against personal waste.

This winter, this mild winter, I once again got gloves for the holidays. This time my wife gave me three inexpensive pairs along with matching hats. I am proud to say I only lost one hat (that was last year’s replacement hat) and one glove. Is it pathetic to feel proud and view this lack of loss as an example of growth and accomplishment? I think not. So as I take stock this Spring, I feel pretty darn good. After all, I am the proud owner of hats and gloves. I won!