I’ve been thinking about roles in life.
This blog focuses primarily on my role as a father. It’s one I take seriously. It’s also one that has brought me great joy. And great frustration. And great concern.
But it’s not my only role. I’m a husband, son, brother, friend, and so much more. Each role has different demands, expectations, and requirements.
Sometimes, I wonder – what about me?
And I feel selfish about it.
Isn’t life about caring for others? It’s about being a good friend, brother, son, husband, father, etc. It’s about the we, and submerging the I.
Besides, aren’t all these roles me as well? Just because I’m in the company of others, does it mean I’m not myself?
When I was younger my best friend, MG, lived across the street. We, and another good friend down the block, played together all the time (mostly, it was the sport that was in season). We caught lightning bugs in the summer. We went sledding in the winter. We had sleepovers. You get the idea.
Anyway, one time I remember leaving MG’s house, and we had a conversation that went something like this.
Okay, I’ll see you on Thursday.
But tomorrow is Wednesday.
Yea, I know.
You don’t want to hang out tomorrow?
Are you gonna be home?
So, you don’t want to hang out?
It’s just… I don’t know… We hung out all day today and…
I had no reason to not want to hang out. Here was my best friend who I could tell anything to and do anything with. But for some reason I didn’t want to hang out with him two days in a row.
Ever feel like you only have so much to say? Maybe, if you hang out with someone long enough, they’ll find out the truth? That you are… FILL IN YOUR PERSONAL INSECURITY.
Even as a child I thought like this, though it was not a conscious thing.
For all the relationships I’m blessed to have, part of me is uncomfortable with true intimacy. Reading about it, seeing it in movies, etc. that’s fine. Getting too close makes me uncomfortable. The vulnerability. The revealing…
What if I can’t articulate what I feel, or justify it? What if I say something that is not respected, appreciated? What if I can’t understand what someone else reveals? I wouldn’t say I’m afraid – I’ve convinced myself there is only much I need to say or so close I need to get. It’s more comfortable, easier, and less threatening to keep stuff inside.
I’m not sure why I am writing this here on the blog. It seems completely incongruous based on what I’ve said above about hiding.
Maybe, I’m hoping to start a conversation. I don’t know.
Definitely blogging as therapy with this entry.
Next week is Mrs. MMK’s birthday. It’s a big number, and I know she’s thinking about it. She keeps changing her mind about how she wants to celebrate. My guess is because she wants it perfect and memorable and not sure what that means.
As she reaches a milestone, maybe it’s making me think more too.
I don’t know.
I hope that what I’m doing in life is enough… Don’t ask me what the word after enough is – pretty sure I couldn’t articulate it. At least not accurately or as intelligently as I’d like.
We all play ’em.
Maybe the best roles require an I.