I Need Your Help To Watch Television

Television

Television confusion!

Recently, my family and I were visiting my mother for the weekend. Other family members came over to visit and to chat. It was all very pleasant. During one such conversation that included my cousins, BR and HR, I was a non-participant. It wasn’t by choice. I didn’t want to be muted, silenced.  Unfortunately, I was like an actor without any lines – I simply had nothing to say.

The topic of the conversation: television.

As I’ve mentioned before I am a regular, well semi regular, watcher of Modern Family. I also watch sports – other than the World Cup. I don’t care about the World Cup.  I also watch news programs.  However, in reality, I am a consistent watcher of nothing.

Anyway, as my cousins and others were going on about shows they liked and watched regularly, I sat there dumbly smiling and nodding occasionally trying to be social (that in and of itself can be a challenge for me). Terms were going back and forth which I had never heard. BR said she could watch HGTV all day. Huh?

television channel

What channel is that?

During the conversation, my cousin, BR, turned to me and casually said, “You really need to watch some television. I know you’re busy. We’re all busy. Just find some time to sit down and watch television.”  I muttered meekly, still smiling though, “Well, uh okay.”  What was I to say?

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One More Episode

Courtesy of www.tv.com

Courtesy of www.tv.com

courtesy of soflynmythirties.webs.com

courtesy of soflynmythirties.webs.com

 

 

 

 

Last night my wife was watching television.  Thank you and good night. Just kidding – there’s more to the story. Anyway, she was watching a rerun of “30 Rock.”

In the “30 Rock” episode, Jack (Alec Baldwin) has hooked up with Liz’s (Tina Fey) former friend from Chicago, Claire (Jennifer Anniston). While I enjoyed this part of the episode, the segment that really caught my attention featured Kenneth (Jack McBrayer) and Tracy (Tracy Morgan).

Kenneth is depressed because he has to wear a different jacket as part of the pages’ new wardrobe. To cheer Kenneth up, Tracy brings together some of the cast members of “Night Court.” Kenneth always wanted to see the wedding of the characters Judge Harry Stone and Christine Sullivan, but the show was canceled by the network.  Anyway, Kenneth and Tracy come up with a script which of course will end with the two getting married.

This got me to thinking – if I could arrange to have another episode/scene for a favorite show, which would it be?

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High Speed Chase

I walked in dejected.  I rummaged through my pockets, emptied my briefcase, and checked my lunch bag.

“What is it? What are you doing,” my wife asked.

“I forgot my phone on the bus.”

My wife called the bus company. With the third announcement of, “All operators are busy. Please stay on the line. We appreciate your patience,” my wife said, “Do you know the bus route?”

“I think so.”

“Why don’t you try and catch it?”

And so began a high speed chase.

Nary a moment passed as I hopped into my car. I would have gone in through the window ala Bo and Luke Duke getting into the The General Lee (I know Dukes was cheesy with Confederate overtones. However, I loved the car chases and seeing Catherine Bach in her Daisy Dukes.  I waited and hoped for a wardrobe malfunction). But, the windows were merely cracked on my 2005 Grey Honda Accord. This slowed me some but, to make up time, I didn’t allow the standard warm-up time for the engine.

Dukes of Hazzard photo courtesy of Google.

Dukes of Hazzard photo courtesy of Google.

Wait, it gets crazier.

I soon was on Saddle River Road (in case you want to plot my journey) but saw no sign of the bus. I cranked up the One Direction – “But when you smile at the ground it ain’t hard to tell, You don’t know…” Damn, that song is still catchy (http://larrydbernstein.com/top-40-kids/).  Of course, I’d rather have been listening to Springsteen.

One Direction - courtesy of Google.

One Direction – courtesy of Google.

This car chase motored into another city, Glen Rock, where the speed limit is a whopping 25 miles per hour. Larry Leadfoot was speeding along Ackerman Avenue at 35 miles per hour.

In the immortal words of Pee Wee Herman: I’m a loner, Dottie. A rebel.

Despite my rebellious bad ass self, my mission was incomplete. Still no bus in sight. I was at a crossroads. I no longer saw bus stop signs and wasn’t certain of the bus route. While I was weighing the option of heading directly to the end of the bus line, I saw not one but two buses drive past perpendicularly. (By the way, I got a D in high school geometry. I hated that class with a passion.) So, I made a right turn on to Maple Avenue and was hot on the trail. I was feeling confident.

But which bus held my phone? I was two car lengths behind when I saw a passenger get off one of the busses. I know this guy. He is an older construction guy.  I’ve eavesdropped on many of his conversations. Actually, he talks so loud that “eavesdropping” is not the proper term. He doesn’t go two sentences without using the f-word (this chase scene is PG-13).  He also is very knowledgeable about his trade.     

A nagging question haunted me: how was I going to get on that bus? Where is Keeanu Reeves when you need him?

Speed Movie Poster courtesy of Google.

Speed Movie Poster courtesy of Google.

I considered parking and running after it. It was hot, and I am tired on Fridays. Next. I thought about trying to get in front of the bus, but we were on a one-lane road which did not allow for passing even when the bus dropped off more passengers. I decided the first thing I needed to do was to get the license plate number – which I did. And then, I forgot it 30 seconds later. I did, however keep the bus in my sights. Then, trouble came in the form of a traffic light. 

The bus made a left on to South Ridgewood Avenue. When I was ready to turn, the traffic light had been yellow for a few seconds. I went for it. And made it. And only checked three times for cops. I’mma crazy – right?

The bus finally reached the end of the line. But wait. The bus driver did not exit the bus. In fact, people were still getting on. I looked for a parking spot and only saw a filled train station lot. Well, I had come too far to stop then. I parked my car in an area that was not designated for parking. I ran out of the car without bothering to roll up the windows and made a run for the bus.

The Eagle has landed. I spoke to the bus driver, who was clearly overwhelmed by my good looks and therefore eager to help. She pulled out a case that was found. Alas, it was not mine. My search of the seat. A good Samaritan had the sense to call my number. The vibration went off and I knew I was good. I took my phone, expressed my gratitude, and walked off the bus.

I drove home at a more careful 25 miles per hour, the adrenaline gone, but my phone safe beside me.

I’m Not Si..

“Feel my head.”

“What?”

“Just feel my head.”

“You’re cool.”

“Well, of course I am. But do you think I have temperature?”

“No.” Not even a smile or a ha ha.

It has been a long week! My older son, BR, ran a high fever on Sunday, threw up, and – well, that’s enough. You get the point.  Though he returned to school on Wednesday, he has been a bit lackluster all week. While it is nice to have him off his normal hyped up pace, I prefer it not be due to sickness. In addition, my wife has been dealing with a cold. Thankfully, SJ has been fine.

And then there’s me.

I’ve been si…

I’ve been si…

I can’t say it. No, make that, I won’t say it.  I am not a good patient, as you probably realized from an earlier post (http://larrydbernstein.com/feeling-better/). However, I am even worse when it comes to admitting that I am – don’t make me say it. There’s that word again. Sick.

Growing up, “Family Ties” was one of my favorite television shows. I recall an episode where Steven – the father, played by Michael Gross – refuses to admit that he is, you know. He says you can’t give in to it and he refuses to make his body a home for germs. I am with him on this. By the way, I have searched for and watched the episode as part of my research for this post. The things I must go through.

Family Ties Cast

Family Ties Cast

http://www.tv.com/shows/family-ties/engine-trouble-14937/

Now, if I could just have temperature. Even 99.0, well then, I could say it, admit it. Instead, I have a nasty cough, chest pain, and runny nose. But I am not si… No, no, no. I am not feeling great. I’m a little under the weather. I could be better.

So, this week, I made it to work all five days. I stood in front of my students, taught lessons, and graded papers. Some days, I was more effective than others. Anyway, I am glad the weekend is here. I need to rest. I hate being sick.