Dumb Children

My children are dumb. You heard me. I am tired of mincing words, softening the blow. Dumb! That’s what they are.
Caring, diligent, patient, faithful. These are the types of traits I want for my children. Give me a little while and I can come up with many more. I bet you can do the same for your children.
However, my children are dumb. And I am guessing your children are dumb too. Don’t huff away or curse me. Hear me out.
Let me provide you with a sample conversation that proves my point.
“BR, come here.”
“What?”
“Shh, quietly. I got to tell you something.”
“What is it?”
“I said quietly.”
“What?”
“Come here.”
“There’s only one chocolate left. Eat it now before SJ comes down.”
“Ok. Thanks.”
A minute later the chocolate is gone. BR goes upstairs and finds SJ happily watching cartoons in my room (SJ spends time in there than my and I but that’s another story).
“SJ. I just had the last chocolate. Daddy gave it to me.” (Best if read in a mocking voice).
“What? That’s not fair! Daddy!”
I come up the stairs. “What is it? What’s up SJ?”
“Why did you give BR a chocolate and not me? That’s not fair.”
If looks could wound, BR would be on the ground in some pain. “Why did you tell him that after I told you not to?”
“I don’t know.” He is not contrite in the least.
“SJ – I gave you one yesterday. Don’t you remember?” This does not soothe him. Now BR is upset because he did not get one the day before. He conveniently forgets the other treat he got.
Don’t think this is a one kid show.
“Yes, SJ you can stay up a little late to watch the end of your show. Just don’t go downstairs and mention it to BR.”
A couple of minutes pass and SJ is making one of his thunderous trips to the bathroom. BR hears the trip and comes running up the steps.
“Why is he still awake?”
“Daddy said I can stay up late and watch the end of Doc McStuffins.” (Best if read in a mocking voice).
The argument ensues.
One more example.
“Okay guys. We can start homework later. Let’s not advertise.”
SJ is unclear of my instructions. “What’s advertise mean?”
“Don’t tell mommy. It’s just between us. Both of you put a hand on top of mine. Remember, we’re a team. We’re a team. We’re aaaaaahhhh team.” Our hands going flying in the hair. “Now, remember don’t tell momny.”
My wife arrives home. Fifteen maybe 20 seconds pass before both children are spilling the beans. “Daddy said we could start homework late. Yeah, we just started a little while ago.”
I get a look from my wife. Uggh.

See, I told you my children are dumb. Sure, they read early, they are articulate, and they are inquisitive. However, they are dumb.
Can you imagine them being spies? Protecting state secrets, gathering information from a potential enemy? Remember the movie, Spies Like Us? They would make Ackroyd and Chase look like the best of the best.
See, I told you my children are dumb. Sure, they read early, they are articulate, and they are inquisitive. However, they are dumb.

Can you imagine them being spies? Protecting state secrets, gathering information from a potential enemy? Remember Spies like us? They would make Ackroyd and Chase look like the best of the best.

I think I know what the problem is. Why the heck do I keep telling them secrets expecting them to keep it? I know why. The apple doesn’t fall from the tree. I’m dumb too.

29 thoughts on “Dumb Children

  1. hahahaha! I think all parents can relate to this post! I think half of the fun is rubbing in the sibling’s face that they DID NOT GET the chocolate/lolipop/toy etc…

  2. hahaha!!! Good one! Oh yes, I can so relate to this! Plus, my husband knows “my rules” about certain things and he’s always breaking them…”yes, you can have one more treat…yes, you can stay up late” but the kids always tell me….then they all get the evil eye!!! When will they ever learn???

    • Never! We are all dumb.
      Actually, I think we are lucky they tell – soon they will keep secrets and we will wish that they told us more.

  3. That’s too funny! And boy do I remember those days! Mr. T is much better at keeping his mouth shut; however, it was touch and go there for several years – fortunately, he doesn’t have siblings and he only sees his cousins every 6 weeks or so. That helps cut down how much he could squeal!

    • Glad it made you laugh.
      I have a feeling that when they get older we will wish they told us more secrets. Is this about right?

  4. Hilarious, and my children do the same thing! Especially the part about “don’t tell..” I frequently tell Ben not to tell daddy we got McDonalds for lunch or got a special toy, etc. First thing he does is, “Mommy told me not to tell you, but…” SIGH.

    However, I would also be a terribly spy except for the slinking around walls wearing all black part, I think I could do that well.

    • I know – right. Not only do they tell but they say they weren’t supposed to tell.
      Good luck in your new career wearing black and slinking around walls. You make it sound like Catwoman.

  5. I made that mistake once, involving a birthday present for the children’s father. “Don’t tell your father” was translated as “Tell Daddy the very instant I lay eyes on him again!” Ha ha. Now I torment the kids by letting them know there is something I WOULD tell them if they didn’t blab that one time about the present, but now I can’t tell them 🙂

  6. Oh dear. I thought it was just because mine were little and perhaps too sheltered or some such. I guess I need to give up hope.

  7. That was a good one! My son does the same thing but it works both ways too. He tells me when he does something wrong or admits to something when asked a direct question (like did you dump your apple slices into the garbage disposal instead of eat them?), so he sort of ‘tells on himself’ before I figure it out.

    • I have to say the boys are pretty open with us. Though when something is upsetting them, all of a sudden it becomes difficult to get them to talk.

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